Last year I paid 500,000 yen to my wife for child support (she acknowledges this too). In return, my own mother received a handful of photos of our son, on one occasion. During the year, my family have asked my wife for information and photos of my son, but my wife has not responded at all (apart from that one occasion).
So this year, I have with-held payments and approached my wife through a lawyer in order to strike a bargain with her. Initially she agreed to send news and photos of my son in return for child maintenance. Our condition was that she got the ball rolling and send news/photos first (because of the lack of trust she has engendered by NOT holding her end of the bargain up last year). On receipt of this, I would send payments. This would happen monthly. After a few months, I would send money 3 months in advance (as it's a little burdensome to send money internationally once a month). Not only would this be good financially for my son and his mother, but I would be very happy to learn of my son's life. And also:- with this element of trust being built up, it would be possible to move on from there and organize visitation schedules (long term view). Surely, all good for everybody?
Unfortuanately, she still has sent nothing (it's now a month later). I can certainly afford to pay child maintenance, but I don't want to be in a situation where I have absolutely no bargaining power in terms of access or news about my son. It was evident last year when I regularly sent money while my wife didn't reciprocate with news or photos of my son. It takes me 1 week to earn the child support I send each month, but I have no problem with the level of payment. I know for a fact that my wife has a PC, an internet connection and a digital camera at her parent's house where she resides. It would take her 30 minutes at the most to send an e-mail with news and photos of my son. That's 30 minutes per month to hold up her end of the bargain. I don't know why she doesn't do this....but I do know she is often unwilling to compromise, even if the compromise will benefit her, as well as everybody else. I can't see the logic in that.
It's very sad that I have to resort to this (withholding money to try and force my wife to co-operate), but the law is not interested in my rights as a father. Yes, I've already tried legal channels. How can I send child support when I don't even know the state of my son, whether he is alive or not? Of course there is the added doubt that this money will not be spent on my son, since I have absolutely no control over the money once it is wired half way around the world. However, I will forgo these doubts if I have some information about my son, and photos. In photos, I can see his eyes, and I can see his toys, his clothes, his health. I would like to see photos of him at his nursery and in his home. I would like to read words about him, what he is doing, what he is saying, what his likes and dislikes are. All this builds up a picture of him.
Ultimately, If he has problems, what good does it do to shut out a loving father that is more than willing to help him if he can? This is the biggest injustice my son has.
What is better for a small boy? What is better for a father? What is better for a mother? Choose from the following:-
1. Son has no idea of who his father is. Father completely shut out of son's life. Mother struggles financially, and deals with problems on her own. Father grieves over complete loss of son, has no idea of son's health or situation. Son inevitably builds up resentment toward father as he grows up (only natural).
2. Father is kept up-to-date of son's life through news/photos. Father is very happy to contribute to son's life at the very least financially (with schedule to visit son regularly). Mother doesn't struggle financially to bring up son. Father and son have some kind of relationship - both father and son at least can put aside the grief that permanent disconnection brings.
3. Father contributes financially but never knows anything about son. Has no idea of where the money goes. Son never knows anything about father (possibly only negative things from mother). Son is more financially secure than option 1) (providing mother actually does spend this child support on the child), but has the emotional problems of 1). Father also has emotional problems of 1). Mother clearly benefits more than father and child.
I can't see any better choice than 2 as it benefits everybody.
(thanks to JC for helping me edit this post! :-) )
Edited 03/06/2004 23:28:40 |
