Bullying within groups

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A friend who is a foreigner has been subjected to threats of violence and personal attacks within their community. I am surprised by how much backstabbing.

Is this normal?

Edited 7/2/2010 8:18:51 PM 		Posted By:
helping a friend
4/25/2010
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lostdad2002 (7 posts)
4/29/2010 6:18:33 PM 		re: Japanese women, class and vi...   profile
Thanks for sharing your story....I have a similar experience to you.

I know what you mean by "low class". For me, I call it the amoral society of Japan. Amorality is the awful disease inflicting Japan. An immoral society is far better to live in than an amoral one. At least in an immoral society there is some kind of notification that things are wrong. Most immoral people are conflicted and have guilt, or are shamed by others. In Japan, shame is only present if it hurts a group. There is no individual guilt at hurting someone. In an immoral society, at least a debate about morals can occur. The debate of right and wrong. In an amoral society there is no right and wrong. When do you hear such a debate in Japan about morality? I never heard it while I lived there. When there is no right and wrong, people panic internally. Passive aggression takes place. We have no reference points. Did we do well today? Did we do badly? You are floating in inky black space with no references, no feedback. This is the dark matter of Japan. Depression is a common reaction to this stasis.

So because of amorality, Japan is a country of lost souls. There is no real framework of morals to live by. They just live by the group. By conformity.

Tatemae and honne see to it that people are on their best behaviour in front of the group, but let loose in private. While that describes human behaviour in general around the world, it's extreme in Japan.

And so to come to your situation "helping a friend".

Your wife is violent. No question. Perhaps it's taken a while for the violence to emerge, but now it has, it's unlikely to shrink back. I had a violent wife and there is no hope for a marriage where one partner resorts to violence. Even on our good days when we laughed together, she'd make a sudden movement - like just expressing herself with her hands in a joyful way - and I'd flinch. Those flinches are killers. They are reminders of the violence that is always there - probably a day away from our rare good time, or 2 days, or a week - but certainly returning.

Your wife needs to recognise the difference between right and wrong. It sounds so utterly simple and boring advice but that's what's needed. She needs to understand that what she does is wrong. And then a conversation can begin. And if she can't see that she is wrong in her actions, your situation is 100% hopeless.

I wish you all the best - truly.

Edited 4/29/2010 6:25:30 PM


FRIJ recommends you also visit crn japan, who are fighting international abduction to Japan and working to assure children in Japan of meaningful contact with both parents regardless of marital status